2 Pamela Sparkle's Plush Pink Pleasure Palace!
(now THAT'S what I call a mouthfull!)
THIS SITE IS LOVINGLY DEDICATED TO MATTHEW SHEPARD
(1976
- 1998)
CELEBRATE DIVERSITY - LOVE LIFE...
Welcome boyz and girlz, saints, sinners and the socially disadvantaged - all are welcome. 4 here is where the rainbow tribe of angels play - COME...
STEP 1NE STEP 2WO STEP 3HREESTEP 4OUR STEP 5IVELINKS...
THE ART OF CAMP* - A FIVE STEP PROGRAM...
*CAMP. Informal - adj. Consciously artificial, exaggerated, vulgar, or mannered; self-parodying, esp. when in dubious taste. - Vb. (tr.) to perform or invest with a camp quality. Camp it up: to seek to focus attention on oneself by making ostentatious display, overacting, etc.
- COLLINS ENGLISH DICTIONARY.
So what the hell IScamp then, darling..?
In the narrow world that we live in camp has come 2 be a word that describes an outrageously effeminate gay man. (Hence in gay pubs all over the western hemisphere, the falsetto cries of 'oh my God, she's as camp as a row of tents' can be heard just before closing time - usually with reference 2 the bouncer). Simply put, it is a word with many nuances, presenting a zillion different and exciting possibilities 2 glitter and shine amongst the mundane. Camp is the celebration of the overdone, the overdramatic, and the out-of-date. It is an ending homage 2 absolute out-and-out bitchiness, a dauntless crusade 2 poke fun at all that is deemed wholesome, an infinate quest 2 make life just a little bit better than it seems on the surface of things. Anyone can be lucky enough 2 enjoy all the benefits that camping it up brings. All u must do is get with the program - and stick 2 a strict regime of at least one fabulously fun hour a day. Do this, and your life will rapidly turn in2 one endless shimmering, star-spangled party. Are u ready? Super. Then follow me down this trippy-looking yellow brick road...
BEING BUTCH - The facts and the fallacies...
Unfortunately, there are some people 'out there' who think that playing rugby is fun. This is an utter fallicy. PLAYING RUGBY IS NOT FUN - (unless of course u get touched-up in one of those scrummy thingys - when it could become an entirely different ball game altogether). Every rugby team is just full of guys screaming 2 get in touch with their girlie sides, just as every football fan is longing 2 unleash a torrent of femmy feeling on the world - (they don't seem 2 realise that 'You'll Never Walk Alone' was written by Rodgers and Hammerstein - the very same duo who were responsible 4 putting little ol' Julie Andrews in a wimple! Bless 'em...)
Actually, football players are a good case in hand. What's camp about a football player, u may ask. Well 4 starters, there's the hair. Remember Georgie Best's perm? Kevin Keegan's perm? Gazza's perm? Just as having fabby Bighair and being gorgeously groomed are essentials 4 the pitch, so is the (strangely long-accepted) over-exuberant kissing, hugging, and general, seemingly innocent man-2-man bonding. Oh, and don't 4get the fun 'n' frolickz after the match either! Yep, finding plenty of time 4 whippy-whippy horseplay in the showers is always a must - but hey! Don't 4get it's all just MASCULINE horseplay! (But If u could only hear the whoops and screams of joy as those dripping boyz slap each other on the bare ass and parade around the locker room like courting peaCocks!!!) Here's a quick Sparkle run-down 4 u:
1. SOCCER - How much appeal is there 2 be found in a sport full of men who dribble before they shoot? I mean, whatever happened 2 'ball control'?
2. BOXING - Ahh yes! Now THIS one gets the Sparkle seal of approval! Whilst I detest violence of ANY kind, u just have 2 admire any man who knows how 2 use his fists in a ring...
3. BOWLS - Not 4 the living...(See also: 'DARTS')
4. GOLF - WHAT a disappointment! 4 years now I have been searching 4 the legendary 'British Open', and now I discover that it's no more than just a simple GOLF tournament...
5. SUMO - How disgusting.
6. BASKETBALL - Ahh...the sound of balls slapping against the rim - music 2 my ears!
BUT THE OUTRIGHT WINNER HAS 2 BE:
7. ROWING - By its very nature a decidedly 'British' sport - very graceful 2 watch...Eight lithe young men, all stroking in time, taking it from the Cox, all straining 2 beat off the opposition and pulling frantically 2 a sweaty finish! What more could u possibly want?
I rest my case...no further questions? Good, now scream the following affirmation aload my devoted followers -
'I'd rather stick rusty needles in my eyes than be butch!'
FIRST THINGS FIRST - Becoming 'Ab Fab'
Why, u may ask, has camp become so universally popular of late? a very good question, and one with a simple answer: Absolutely Fabulous (or Ab Fab as those of us in the know refer 2 it). If u are 2 have any savoir faire at all in the world of camp and with its bitchy followers, the importance of knowing lots of frivolous facts about Patsy and Edina, the reigning queens of the nineties scene, cannot be stressed enough. Not only is it important 2 know what lines 2 quote ad infinitum, u may be called upon 2 dress like our heroines, or even 2 feign appropriate behaviour patterns at certain public functions and events. 4 those of u who are still puzzled, I think a crash course is called 4...
WHAT 2 SAY...
There are a billion superb lines in the series, but u may be a little confused as 2 which ones are the best 2 quote when out drinking your Stolli Bollys with your glamourous circle of friends. So rather than rushing out 2 buy the complete set of videos, the first step is 2 take note of these three quotations that will make all your friends think that u are an Ab Fab connoisseur:
1. "Sweetie, darling, sweetie".
2. "You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes, sweetie darling". (This is maybe 4 the slightly more adventurous of u out there...)
3. "Buggery, buggery-bollocks, sweetie, darling". (This is 4 the advanced beginner, and needs 2 be accentuated with a venemous tongue 4 maximum effect. This can of course, be easily achieved by loosening-up with a swift number of the afore-mentioned Stolli Bollys...)
WHAT 2 WEAR...
Lacroix, sweetie, LACROIX!!! (Or in the absence of ready cash 2 buy the most expensive of designer items, a quick visit 2 your local designer emporium - no, we don't call them 'stores' anymore dear, it sounds so common wouldn't u agree? - with a pair of fab mirrored sunglasses and a sharp scalpel. This last item in particular will provide ample opportunity 2 slice off those much sought after designer labels in the changing room. Then simply sew these labels on2 your own clothes in the comfort of your own mansion. Voila! Instant social acceptance...
WHAT 2 DO...
This is so simple, it's untrue. Go 2 gallery openings galore. (You'll be surprised at how many u can fit in in a week). How 2 find out about them...wearing your fake designer items and mirrored sunglasses, go in2 art galleries and pretend 2 be interested in purchasing some paintings. Also, (whilst peering over the top of your glasses - that's always a good one), mutter aloud things like:
"Post-modernism is a tad out of date, don't u think?" and:
"Ooh - just look at the wonderful use of light in that fabulous piece of out-and-out art darling!"
and just note how quickly u will be snapped up 4 mailing lists everywhere. When u are attending an opening, it is vitally important 2 bitch, bitch, bitch about all of the exhibits on show - and even the dress sense of the other guests. This will afford u a wonderful sense of power over all assembled before u, as they hang upon your every venemous word...
So there u have it...use it well! Our affirmation 4 the end of this section is:
'I have the power within me 2 be ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS...'
THE JOAN CRAWFORD SCHOOL OF CHILDCARE
Contrary 2 popular belief, movie actress extraordinaire Joan Crawford was a wonderful and devoted mother...her adopted daughter Christina obviously didn't know how lucky she was, (or perhaps she capitalised on some of the lessons learnt from the Hollywood legend when she wrote the book Mommie Dearest - because she earned a fortune 4 her trouble).
In the book, Christina moaned and groaned 4 over three hundred pages about the 'horrific abuse' she and her brother Christopher suffered at the hands of their adoptive mother. The facts of the case are quite different however, as Joan taught her children the most valuable lesson a mother could ever impart, which is that glamour is the most important thing one should strive 4.
Poor old Joan was brought up in somewhat less than colourful circumstances. Born just before the turn of the 20th Century, she was a veritable Cinderella who slept her way 2 the top (always the most enjoyable way 2 do it, let's face it). Unlucky Lucille, as she was then christened, lived the life of a scrubber under the thumb of her own mother, (a woman who wouldn't have known glamour if it had slapped her in the face with a wet fish), until she moved 2 California in 1928 and re-created herself as Joan Crawford. Everything about the woman was neatly planned; publicity was everything and she made sure her public loved her. After she adopted Christina and Christopher 4 the sake of good press (always a good reason 2 do anything), they got 2 live amid great oppulance, they were taught NEVER2 hang clothes on wire hangers, and that good skin care meant wonderful photographs. Yes indeedy, life 4 the Crawford kids was one big photo opportunity, something a truly camp person would simply die 4. Christina had a wardrobe full of beautiful dresses, and a shoe collection that even Imelda Marcos would have been jealous of. I mean, what child could possibly want 4 more? Christina claims that her mother made her cut down rose bushes at 4am and clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, that she cut off all of her lovely blonde curls and packed her off 2 a convent boarding school. Surely, if Christina had any sense at all she would have seen the possibilities of such an exciting existance. She literally lived within the campest movie scenario of all time, and with an out-and-out legend 4 a mother! Getting up in the middle of the night 2 cut down a garden full of prim and proper rose bushes with an axe is MUCH more fun than reading an Enid Blyton novel, which was what I had 2 put up with most nights when I was that age. Lucky cow...
(4 more insight in2 this wonderful world of the Crawford family, view the movie adaptation of the book 'Mommie Dearest' - Faye Dunaway took the part of Joan Crawford, and claimed that doing the film was ..."truly an emotionally draining experience". (This statement is also true 2 the nature of camp peoples everywhere. If u want 2 be camp, then u must declare that everything u have ever done was 'truly an emotionally draining experience', and declare it often!)
The Joan Crawford School of childcare was created as an oasis in the desert of 2day's educational systems. There are only a few things 4 parents 2 learn and impart time and time again 2 their kids, but I can't tell u how important 2 their development these lessons will be. The first thing u must teach your children is that glamour is EVERYTHING. Without it they will grow up not knowing how 2 present themselves 2 the world - maybe u will have a child who likes rugby, football, golf or science. Perhaps u will have a child who likes ALL of these things at the same time. (God 4bid!) But here is the key...the secret 2 successful camp child-rearing is not 2 cut these things out of their lives. U must teach children the meaning of balance and tolerance. 4 instance, if u tolerate their love of sport, then they must tolerate your love of musicals. (2 get them accustomed 2 musical marvellousness, play the soundtrack of 'Hello Dolly! ' every night be4 they go 2 bed. Another great way 2 accentuate this is 2 sew sequins on2 their pyjamas and choreograph big, bed-bouncing dance numbers 4 them...)
WHAT FOLLOWS ARE THE 10 BASIC RULES OF THE SCHOOL:
1. Never use wire clothes-hangers...EVER!
2. Always smile when in public.
3. Always present yourself 2 the world as perfection personified.
4. Always take good care of your skin (Remember: good skin care = wonderful photographs people!)
5. Always look 4 the best and only the best in life.
6. Be strong in your convictions.
7. Always remember that u are one of the most fantabulous people in the world!
8. Always do your own thing.
9. Never take bullshit from anyone!
10. Never, EVER, tolerate boring people!
Now cry aloud the following affirmation my children!
'Joan Crawford was a saint, god bless her cotton socks, and I hearby canonise myself in her likeness...'
BEING A BITCH: The Bette Davis Way...
Somewhere in camp heaven, Bette Davis is looking down on all of us mere mortals and thinking, 'What a crowd of saps!' In the 'good ol' days', whilst she still roamed the Earth, this woman played the archetypal dragon and became the inspiration 4 almost every screen bitch there ever was - from Dynasty 2 Coronation Street and back again. Ms Davis did everything her way, on the movie set and off of it, and principally because of this she has become the Goddess of camp icons. Before u go any further, ask yourself this question,
'Do I adore and worship Bette Davis?'
If your answer is yes move your top hat straight 2 GO and collect £200. If your answer is no, then u have much work 2 do my friend. Don't worry though, getting 2 know all about Bette couldn't be easier. All u have 2 do is watch her movies over and over again, and there are plenty 2 choose from, believe me! Because she appeared in so many, I can only give u the bare essentials here. U don't have 2 have seen her every movie anyway - just pretend u have darlings. It is, however, compulsorycamp education 2 see and be able 2 quote lines from all the following listed films. Although they are all fabulously frilly, there is one Bette movie that stands above them all in the hearts of camp connoisseurs everywhere, but we'll talk more of that later...
THE NOMINATIONS ARE:
1. JEZEBEL (1938) - Shock! Horror! Bette wears a scarlet dress 2 the ball, and all the other girls are in flouncy white. Well, fiddle-dee-dee, she always knew how 2 stand out in a crowd.
2. DARK VICTORY (1938) - Poor Bette discovers she only has a few months left 2 live, and proceeds 2 wring tears out of stones, and any other inanimate objects within earshot. She even goes blind! Oh, 2 have such an exciting existence!
3. THE OLD MAID (1939) - Miriam Hopkins, (that selfish, but married, woman), literally steals Bette's illegitimate daughter, leaving Bette 2 literally camp it up mercilessly, with much hand wringing, as a bitter and twisted old bitch.
4. THE LITTLE FOXES (1941) - One of the ultimate Bette roles, full of deep southern malice as she plots and plans her way as the archetypal matriarch hell-bent on greed. Murder, deceit and sexual repression were never such fun.
5. NOW VOYAGER (1942) - Oh Bette, Bette, how we cried...left on the shelf, Bette decides 2 live out her fantasies and transform some lucky ugly duckling in2 a high-flying swan. Why ask 4 the moon when we can have the stars?
6. OLD AQUAINTANCE (1943) - Miriam Hopkins, (that same selfish, but married, woman), tries but fails 2 give Bette a run 4 her money in this tale of lifelong rivalry disguised as friendship. Basically, Bette gets all the good lines and Hopkins doesn't even smoke!
7. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950) - Quintessential Bette! Anne Baxter tries 2 steal Bette's career and lover. Bette, the battleaxe, battles back. FULL of choice one-liners 2 use at gatherings and use as your own, this one even has Marilyn Monroe fastening her seatbelt! (Oooh!)
8. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? (1962) - Bette thinks she crushed her sister's legs so now she's insane. What's more, the erstwhile starlet sister, (Joan Crawford), is confined 2 a wheelchair up in the bedroom. Elvira, (the maid), gets the chop early on and from then, all hell breaks loose. Sibling rivalry should always be like this.
9. HUSH HUSH SWEET CHARLOTTE (1965) - Bette thinks she stabbed her boyfriend 2 death so...now she's insane - again. What's more, her conniving, greedy cousin, (Olivia de Havilland), is coming 2 stay and she wants loopy old Bette out of the picture. In a nutshell: lots and lots of blood on Bette's best frock, and pigtails Laura Ingalls would die 4...
10. THE NANNY (1965) - Bette thinks she drowned an innocent little girlie, so now she's...(wait 4 it...) insane. Mary Poppins she isn't, and the erstwhile little girlie's older brother knows it. Time 4 your bath master Jamie...
11. THE ANNIVERSARY (1968) - Bette is a bitter, twisted, possessive mother with a stunning collection of eye-patches. It's her wedding anniversary and she's in the mood 4 a spot of arch manipulation. If only we all could become so connected with the meaning of life...
"and the winner is..." (I've always wanted 2 say that...)
WHATEVER
HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?
Baby Jane is not only recognised as Bette Davis's campest role ever, but Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? also gets the award 4 the campest film EVER made! It co-starred Joan Crawford as Blanche Hudson, the paralysed sister of the demented and jealous Baby Jane, and rumours of a real life on-set feud between the 2 stars are the stuff of legend. 4 instance, there were whisperings about the scene where Jane catches Blanche trying 2 escape from the house and kicks her again and again as she lies broken on the parlour floor. Rumour had it that Bette really DID kick poor Joan - and kicked her HARD. 4 revenge, oan reputedly strapped lots of weights under her costume 4 the scene where Jane carries Blanche out of the bedroom, and did poor Bette's back in. The 2 grandmothers of glamour never did like each other, and their pairing in Baby Jane was made much of by media queens, dying 2 see a good cat-fight. Bette's performance was absolutely over the top and Joan wisely toned down her usual histrionics 2 appear the more 'professionally serious' of the 2. The Oscar nomination went 2 Bette though, and a green-with-envy Joan was left cringing at home on awards night.
The exchange from Baby Jane that MUST be committed 2 memory is:
Blanche: "You wouldn't treat me this way if I wasn't in a wheelchair!"
Jane: "Butchya are Blanche, ya are!"
The one line 2 remember and repeat in front of a mirror, (with cigarette in hand), is from ALL ABOUT EVE. It is a line u will have heard many times before, but there are very few who can carry it off with the Davis panache. If u eventually succeed, u will have reached the plateau of ultimate camp consciousness. 4 that reason this line should become your mantra, so use this affirmation wisely:
'Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride...'
GETTING NOTICED: The Divine Way...
Divine was
born Harris Glenn Milstead in Baltimore, USA, in 1945. From an early age
Harris was obsessed with Elizabeth Taylor and was inspired 2 take up cross-dressing
as a healthy hobby. It wasn't long before plain old Harris Glenn Milstead
transformed himself in2 the larger-than-life Divine, and began starring
in low-budget, camp
John
Waters films such as: Eat Your Makeup,
and Mondo Trasho.
By the early 1970's Divine had achieved legendary status in San Francisco.
Divine was the ultimate camp disciple. He was loud, brash, and pushy, wore
outrageous theatrical make-up and blatently artificial wigs. His clothes
were tight and exceedingly tacky, barely covering his extensive paunch.
Divine became both revered and reviled, performing perhaps THE most revolting
act EVER committed on celluloid in the film Pink
Flamingos (and if u don't know what I
am talking about, you'll just have 2 see the film 2 find out - because
there's no way that I am going 2 describe it 4 your delectation!) Naturally,
he basked in the glow of the notoriety it brought him, and used it 2 his
own advantage - becoming a glittering star of the camp
underworld. (4 more info on 2day's camp
underworld, u have 2 look no further than London's very own 'The Divine
David'...) After a string of Hi-NRG hits in the eighties, poor, poor Divine
popped his clogs in his sleep in 1988, just as international success was
knocking at his door. The lesson we have 2 learn from him is that self-delusions
of grandeur can actually create happiness. If u really believe it 2 be
true, then it becomes so..
THERE U HAVE
IT! NOW GO FORTH MY CHILD- AND MAKE THE WORLD A MORE FABULOUS PLACE!
PLEASE VISIT THESE LINKS - SHOW U CARE...
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